Things I learned at Loch Melfort

1. Small boys exert a strange magnetic field . If you took one to the north pole, he would find another small boy to play with.

2. It's kind of cute when your restaurant waiter tells you that the other small boy is his brother and asks if yours will be out to play again later.

3. The sight of children running down a path to the beach can render adults in the dining room misty eyed.

4. Highland cattle are rather appealing.

5. Comfy hotel beds render your child's chances of sleeping in his own bed again minimal to say the least.

6. Local produce also renders your chances of feeding your child supermarket sausages without complaint even more minimal.

7. A tidal rock pool can be the source of hours of fascination.

8. Southern small boys find the thought of a land without KFC bizarre and horrifying.

9. When planning for hours of exploration, allow for the fact that the Highlands are steep, and that sheep need fences.

10. When planning a trip to a fish farm for book research purposes, just look out of the window. One may be closer than you think.

11. It is an unwritten law of the universe that if you are in a hotel somewhere with no light pollution and there is a telescope in the living room, the nights will be cloudy.

12. When you pack to go home, expect to find every pair of clean underpants your son brought, unworn.

Loch Melfort: lovely place and friendly people who were completely charming to writers with galloping morning sickness and small sons in tow. The Boy is desperate to go back again.

Things I learned on my holidays



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1. There is no point at which nine year old boys get bored with chicken nuggets.
2. It's good to keep an eye on the river as you eat the the giant spherical fish cakes in the Ramsholt Arms in Woodbridge, just in case Neptune comes back for his nuts.
3. Tents function far better in the rain with the roof vent covered up.
4. It takes a long time to boil a kettle if you don't realise your gas has run out.
5. Take the map with you into the corn maze.
6. People who think they can write anywhere should try doing it while sitting on a tree stump in the forest.
7. It is only when you have to sleep on an airbed for six nights that you realise how much your memory foam mattress topper keeps the rest of the world safe from you.
8. Being next to a colony of rooks as they all take off from the trees together makes you wonder if you're in a gothic horror story and don't know it yet.
9. Getting on a bouncy castle aged 42 makes you the coolest parent on the planet in the eyes of your offspring.
10. Forty year old brains experience bouncing differently to nine year old brains.
11. It only takes a nest of spiders three hours to create a cobweb scene worthy of a horror film in an unattended tent.
12. When you are camping in bad weather, angels sing over the door as you walk into a centrally heated pub.
13. It helps to tie your bikes to the bike carrier on the back of your car as well as to each other.
14. Hearing drumming practice in the distance in Rendlesham Forest makes you feel like you're on the set of an old Tarzan movie and the natives are about to come after you.
15. It's always good to discover the flying ants preparing to rise under the tent after you have packed up to go home.
16. When you see hundreds of birds circling overhead, tell yourself it's the flying ants they want and don't make any sudden moves.